Oh, hey guys. What’s up? It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? Let’s just go ahead and chalk this egregious lack of blogging due to some seasonal affective disorder (and New Years Eve booze coma) shenanigans and truck on ahead with this news item: Nashville is being profiled in a show about drinking!

Drinking Made Easy is a show hosted by comedian Zane Lamprey, who some of you may know as the face of several Girls Gone Wild infomercials (a job’s a job, we guess?) but we know best as the host of Three Sheets, the world’s greatest travel show about drinking. On Three Sheets, Lamprey wandered the globe, learning about how to sabre a bottle of champagne and how to recover from a hangover in Bolivia while getting incredibly drunk in between those scenes. It was fantastic and you can watch the whole damn thing on Hulu.

We’ve never seen this apparent sequel, but it apparently takes a more American tip and visits cities like Memphis, Portland, Cape Cod and (more importantly) our humble Nashville. The episode premieres Wednesday at 7 p.m. on HDNet, a channel we have never heard of, but the network posted a short clip to YouTube, featuring Yazoo, roller derby and moonshine.

What’s amazing about this episode is that it doesn’t sound like he hits a single honkey-tonk on Lower Broadway. Bless you, Lamprey, for showing the rest of the universe that there’s more to us than Bud Lite with Lime. According to the show notes for the episode, Lamprey visited 12 South Taproom, Whiskey Kitchen, Patterson House, City House and our east side favorite No. 308. We’ve never been more proud.

Well, friends, this is it. The last New Year’s Eve ever. Or at least it is according to a bunch of Mayans and John Cusack — who we suspect is a secret Mayan, laying in wait to wail on the super computer that runs the world with a wrench or something (thereby proving the prophecy). Seeing as how we’ll all be vaporized by the many giant monsters that will rise out of the ocean by this time next year, you better make it count. And by make it count, I mean get irresponsibly trashed while wearing a party hat and perhaps some year-themed glasses. Noisemakers are optional.

“But Dixie,” you say, “I don’t know what to do on New Years!” You’re in luck, disembodied voice — we’re here to help. If you haven’t already, consult the epic NYE flowchart in this week’s issue of Nashville Scene. It doesn’t have everything happening in town, but it’s a solid place to start if you’ve got no idea what’s up.

Where to Go

We’re going to go ahead and assume that you don’t have Bassnectar tickets (good job!), don’t want to drop $50 on Guilty Pleasures tickets (ditto!) and aren’t willing to crash your neighbor’s party (wuss!). That leaves you with a few options:

New Year’s End at Zombie Shop – Are you currently in college? Do you like punk bands? Would you be willing to tollerate punk bands and college kids in exchange for all the beer you can drink for only $10? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’ll want to be at Zombie Shop. The Zombie Shop is a moped garage located adjacent to a currently abandoned haunted house off of Lafayette, near Third Man Records. A slew of our local faves are playing, including Diarrhea Planet, Cy & The Way Outsiders, Useless Eaters and more. It’s 18+ and BYOB, if you want something other than champagne and keg beer.

Music City Bash on Broadway – Start out 2012 right by pretending to be a tourist! Strap on that cowboy hat and denim jacket and get yourself downtown, where you can drink overpriced drinks and see the shambling undead corpse of Lynyrd Skynyrd with a bunch of people who will almost assuredly be wearing camouflage trucker hats. There will be fireworks and other sundry tax-payer funded, family-friendly fare. Think of it like being in Times Square on New Years, except with Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Roaring 2012 at The 5 Spot – At last, an opportunity to reuse the Boardwalk Empire costume you cooked up for Halloween! Half-face optional! We don’t have the wardrobe for a swanky 1920s party, but this has pretty much become the go-to place for East Siders looking to party. Which is to say, it’s going to be packed and it’s probably gonna sell out. If The Great Gatsby is something that interests you, perhaps this is where you want to be for the evening. Bonus points if you can use the phrase “old as balls” in every conversation you have that night.

How to Get Home

We have good news and bad news.

The bad news is that the cops aren’t going to give you a ride home this year if you call 862-RIDE. Which is a bummer because that means you can’t half-jokingly demand that they throw the siren on or pepper spray your roommate. Shit’s rough, y’all. They’re instead focusing on a “Sober Bus” program that’s centralized downtown. Which is a bummer because that party downtown kinda looks like the pits. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

You can get on the bus at stops on the corner of 2nd Avenue & Church St and the corner of 5th Avenue & Broadway, which will take you to LP Field where you can get a ride from there.

Alternatively, if you don’t want to bail on your car, you can call AAA at 1-800-AAA-HELP and a tow truck will be along shortly to tow your car and your drunk ass home. Considering that we once waited more than an hour to get our car towed off the side of the interstate when it wasn’t a major holiday, you should probably expect to wait a while.

Or you could take a taxi. Just don’t drive drunk, dummies.

// Photo by Mark Vitullo.

It’s about time that some anarchists with spray paint and sharpies took their message to Hillsboro Village! What with their mostly small, locally owned businesses and their smug attempts to offer goods and services in exchange for American currency. They’ve been begging for some overly idealistic teenagers to shake their worldview to its core by… writing “smash this shit” on a terminal outside a bank? That’ll show ‘em. Also, for some reason, a stencil of — we’re guessing — Tom Waits on a dumpster behind the Belcourt.

// Photos by Lance Conzett.

We’re not sure how to feel about the grand opening of the Chick-Fil-A in the Nashville West shopping complex on Charlotte. On one hand, this is ground zero for as many free chicken sandwiches as you can possibly cram in your face before someone tells you to stop. That’s the kind of American spirit this blog was built on! (Also, free packs of American Spirits). We wouldn’t be doing our jobs that nobody asked us to do if we weren’t telling you where to scam some free sandwiches on the reg.

However! It is a well-known fact that Chick-Fil-A’s sandwiches are seasoned with gay panic and we are emphatically not down with that. Also, our hot minute spent working in Cool Springs proved to us that the only people who are willing to sit in a Chik-Fil-A drive-thru line for 20 minutes are people with stick figure family stickers on the backs of their SUVs and we do not wish to be party to that demographic.

All that being said, we think it’s probably fine to eat Chick-Fil-A as long as you don’t pay for it. And here’s your chance. First of all, there’s going to be some kind of ridiculous fast food block party — can you guys imagine if McDonalds or Burger King opened up and threw a block party? It’d be mega weird, right? Right. — on Wednesday, starting at 6 p.m. at 6500 Charlotte Ave. Something called “The Rubyz” is playing, which sounds just awful. The relevant portion of the festivities is that there’s a limited amount of free sandwiches.

If you really hate yourself (or would like to #occupychickfila), you also have the option of sleeping outside the store like a hobo, in hopes of being one of the first 100 customers. These few, proud, brave schmucks will get 52 free sandwich combos — one per week for a year. And all it will cost is your dignity and possibly a trip to the hospital when you get pneumonia. But hey, free sandwich. To get in on that madness, you’ll need to arrive at 6 a.m. Wednesday to sign up. Then stay there. For 24 hours. Official rules can be found on the interwebs. Bonus points if you fly a rainbow flag above your tent while you’re camped in a parking lot.

// Photo by Lady Ducayne.

We haven’t done one of these in a while! December is usually a miserable hole in the calendar as far as fun stuff for broke folks goes — we can thank a combination of cold weather, final exams and the ever looming shadow of Santa Claus for that. But! You’ve got real options this time! Honest! Here’s your weekend at a glance:

Friday

Crave at Tavern, 10 p.m.
Our bud Steve Cross is DJing at fancypants M Street pub Tavern, which you can find in Midtown, down the road from the desiccated corpse of The Great Escape. WE MISS YOU, GREAT ESCAPE. It’s a big ol’ dance party for fans of electronic music. If you like M83, LCD Soundsystem or any of the dozen or so bands they name drop in the Facebook event, perhaps this is the place for you.
They Live at The Belcourt, 12 a.m.
We’re not going to mince words here: if you don’t see They Live tonight or tomorrow at The Belcourt, you don’t deserve to have such a fine movie house in your lives. They Live, this weekend’s midnight movie feature, is John Carpenter’s amazing takedown on the ubiquitous nature of advertising and corporate control. As local film genius and newspaper editor Jim Ridley says, Carpenter “made an Occupy Wall Street (or Nashville) movie 23 years ahead of schedule.” Right on! It’s also the inspiration for artist Shepherd Fairey, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Saturday

Frazey Ford & Trish Klein at Grimey’s, 3 p.m.
We don’t know anything about these cats, but that’s why we have the Grimey’s newsletter to tell us what’s up. In any case, you can get a beer from behind the counter if you’re of age:

In-store performance by two-thirds of Vancouver’s Be Good Tanyas. Frazey and Trish are touring behind Ford’s debut solo LP “Obadiah”, about which Pitchfork had to say, “Even without her harmonizing Tanyas, Ford proves a sure presence through Obadiah, inhabiting these songs comfortably and conveying smirking sass as naturally as simmering lust or downhearted regret. “I can’t think, I can’t use my brain,” she sings on “I Like You Better”, “I can’t think no more.” It’s the album’s catchiest hook and a telling moment not only because she exudes such romantic abandon, but because Ford actually sounds like she singing without thinking.” The album is a wonderful mix of soft jazz, smoky soul, and austere country.

Grand Opening Party at Porter Road Butcher, 3 p.m. to 7 p.m.
We don’t know the deets on this, but Porter Road Butcher — the butcher shop that was supposed to open on Porter Road (hence the name) but is now located on the corner of Gallatin and Calvin next to The Groove in East Nashville — is finally opening up after a month of “soft opening” dates. We’re mostly stoked because it means we can finally get good cuts of pork and chicken without having to truck all the way over to the damn Whole Foods in Satan’s Hallow Green Hills. But, more than that, they’re offering free food and beer. Do you really need to know more than that?

Jonathan Toubin Benefit at Foobar, 8 p.m.
This is a bit pricier than we usually get at $10, but it’s for a good cause. In case you haven’t heard, righteous DJ extraordinaire (and Booze Cruise participant) Jonathan Toubin was involved in a freak car accident earlier this morning, in which a taxi driver lost control of her car and crashed into his hotel room in Portland. It sounds, for lack of a better phrase, utterly fucking awful. Some of Toubin’s friends and admirers are DJing (and possibly performing, we’re not entirely clear) at Foobar and raising money for his medical expenses, including Turbo Fruits, The Ettes, Nikki Lane, Reno Bo and D. Watusi. There will be giveaways and you’ll have the knowledge that you’re helping out a dude who is, by all accounts, pretty rad.

Santa Rampage at Beer Sellar, 8 p.m. to question marks
An annual tradition, the Santa Rampage is an excuse to dress up like Santa and get trashed at every bar between downtown and East Nashville. Technically speaking, the Santa Rampage is an anarchistic event where you can begin and end wherever you damn well please but there are a couple of suggested routes. If you want to meet up with the bulk of the Santas, you’re going to want to start at Beer Sellar in downtown at 8 p.m. Or, if you don’t want to wind up touring every shitty bar on 2nd Avenue, maybe you can start your own rampage in Green Hills or Five Points or at Betty’s in West Nashville. It’s all up to you! But, real talk, if you want to find us, we may or may not embed ourselves in the big group. The only requirement is that you dress in holiday garb. More details to come.

Happy Repeal Day!

On this fateful day in 1933, prohibition was officially repealed by Congress after realizing that, though their legislation did succeed in curbing drinking for most people, it also had the side effect of allowing Steve Buscemi to rule the land with an iron fist. Also, Al Capone and a guy with half a face. The passing of the 21st Amendment is perhaps the greatest triumph for drunks in history, if not second to that time you drank a bunch of whiskey and successfully ramped your bike into a lake without cracking your head open. Good job on that, by the way.

Not that any of you (or, for that matter, either of us) need a reason to saunter down to the bar, but why not celebrate this historic occasion with a fancy cocktail? Can anyone make us a Sazerac? Also, what is a Sazerac? In any case, we’ve heard that No. 308 is celebrating booze liberation day in style. We’re not sure what that means, but they do have a new seasonal drink menu.

Not willing to pay $9 for an Old Fashioned? Perhaps these instructions on how to make bathtub gin would interest you. Authentic!

We don’t know about you, but the very thought of working retail right now makes us want to projectile vomit onto the windshield of a SUV. Some of our poor buds who have the misfortune of being register jockeys will be chained to their posts starting as early as 10 p.m. on Thanksgiving, running until mid-morning the next day. We don’t approve of this sort of thing, no matter what deals are to be had, so why not avoid the Black Friday crowds by hanging out in the Basement and eating strangers’ leftovers?

Nikki Lane and William Tyler head up a free show beneath Grimey’s Friday night, starting around 7:00 p.m. along with Derek Hoke and Tiger Beats. If you’re not hip to Nikki Lane yet, you owe it to yourself to give her latest record, Walk of Shame, a spin. It’s a solid Americana charmer in the vein of scratchy voiced singing ladies of past. If you like Jessica Lea Mayfield, you’ll probably be into Lane’s much more roughly produced tunes. Also, y’all should be well aware of guitar maven William Tyler now. When he’s not playing with Lambchop, he’s making pretty guitar music — as you may remember from this post from months ago.

Anyway, it’s a potluck, so bring food. And money. Don’t trample anyone on Friday, guys.

// Photo by Robert Barney.

Not unlike the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Opry Mills has risen from its watery grave to terrorize Nashville once again with its excessive amount of flag stores and volcano-shaped deserts. Which is a bummer for all of us who just wanted them to rebuild the goddamn Wabash Cannonball instead of subjecting our fair city to yet another Aeropostle store. But, hey, if you want to buy overpriced clothes marketed toward d-bags, that’s your own business.

What we can get down with, however, is the reopening of our precious IMAX movie theater. That’s right, Hendersonville! We’re not driving to you to see Harry Potter ever again! Or, y’know. Driving to you ever again for any reason.

For the rest of today and tomorrow, Opry Mills Stadium 20 is celebrating their grand re-opening by slashing their ticket, popcorn and drink prices to a measly $2 until Wednesday. There’s no word on how much Whoppers will cost, but we’re going to go ahead and assume that they’ll be the full $25 price they usually are.

Today’s films are curated by the Nashville Film Festival, including The Artist, Weekend, The First Grader and My Week With Marilyn. We didn’t actually catch any of these when they screened at the festival earlier this year, but we did watch the director of The First Grader hit on our pseudo-date’s friend at the festival after-party and that sure was entertaining.

If you’re more interested in, say, a dude hitting people with hammers than a tense gay melodrama then good news! Opry Mills 20 is also screening some of the movies that you weren’t able to see at the theater while it was still occupied by piranhas, including Bridesmaids, Thor, Harry Potter, Captain America, Green Lantern and The Hangover 2. They’re also screening Zookeeper, if you really hate yourself. You can catch a couple of those in 3D or IMAX, which for $2 is a ridiculous deal. You can find more information on Regal’s website.

// Photo by Joshua Bousel.

Oh dear lord, it’s finally happened — Skynet has become self-aware and the robot uprising is upon us. James Cameron was right all along! Except, we guess, about the part where they’re two-dimensional and only interested in hanging out on the side of bars in gentrified East Nashville. Either way, we welcome our new robot overlords. Please don’t smash us.

// Photos by Lance Conzett

Unwilling to cross the bridge over to the East Side for The 5 Spot’s regular Monday night Keep On Movin’ dance party? Good news, West Nashville crust punks — The End has a weekly dance party now too! The inaugural Bottomless Beer Bash goes down tonight at The End on Elliston Place, where $10 gets you a — you guessed it — bottomless cup of beer. Does this mean that The End finally had taps installed? Or are you paying $10 to drink your weight in Miller High Life ponies? Good question!

From what we’ve been able to glean, from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. tonight, you can pretty much suck PBR draft straight from the tap (ew, please don’t do that). From 10 p.m. on, a dance party starts and all of you drunkies start doing the robot or whatever it is that you’re trying to pass off as a dance move these days.

We’re not entirely sure if the return on investment on this thang is completely on point though. On a good night at The End, we’d probably wind up drinking three PBRs or so and that’s what? Nine bucks if you’re tipping generously? That’s not a rhetorical question — our booze-soaked brains can’t remember. Either way, unless you’ve got a liver like a champ (and we know some of you do), whether or not the Bottomless Beer Bash will be worth your while depends on a few things: your endurance, the quality of the eponymous “bottomless beer” and how high on the righteousness scale the DJ is. Seeing as how DJ Pimpdaddysupreme is the dude who introduced us to chap hop at a housewarming party many months ago, we’re learning towards “totes righteous.” Plus, he’s DJing with turntables instead of a laptop. That’s novel, right?

Here’s PDS’s description of what he plans to play:

70′s electro disco/funk/rock/punk
80′s new wave/electro-hop/goth/dance pop/r&b/italo
90′s new jack/hi nrg/acid house
00-11 electro/indie dance/b-more/mashups

Nice. We’re not able to check out our fair city’s latest excuse to drink on a schoolnight since we’re catching Beirut at Cannery, but if anyone makes it out to the Rock Block, we’d appreciate the low down. If not, then maybe we’ll find our way over there sometime soon. Don’t forget: $10, get there early to soak up as much PBR draft as possible before the DJ shows up.