Man! Helluva month! Floods, looming deadlines, Memphis In May….If I didn’t know any better, I’d say summertime is around the corner. Of course the weather recently seems to imply otherwise, so maybe I should just be quiet. (I mean fo’ real! What is going on around these parts people? Did spring just decide to give winter a tax extension? I want summer dresses and a chance to bust out my denim cut offs! C’mon!)
Anyway, here’s some bonified cosmic jackassery to tide you over.
…not a tide as in a “flood tide”, mind you, but “tide” in the sense of…you know what? Imma just be quite now.
ARIES (March 21- April 19) – I heard a good joke recently:
Q: What did the rock say to the other rock?
A: Don’t take life for granite!
HA! Ain’t that a knee slapper? AHAHA…ahhaha…ha….whoooo….heh
…Sorry, that’s all I got for you, Aries. Now get out of here.
TAURUS (April 20 -May 20) – Y’all, what is going on down here in the South? Cicadas? Tornadoes? Floods? It’s lookin’ like the end of times might really be a’coming! I suppose I should get me some religion and repent for my hedonistic and slothful ways…but, well, that’d take a lot of work to get together…and I’d probably have to get up on Sunday n’ stuff and…aw hell, I’ll deal with it later.
GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) – Mmmhmm…yep…totally. Yeah…yep…No, no, I’m listening, Gemini. This is intriguing. Reeeaallly! I’m not being sarcastic! I just can’t control the inflection in my voice. Don’t be soooo quick to judge – you’ll know when I don’t care….
…Ok. Now I don’t care. Reallly.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22) – WHAT?? HUH?? I CAN’T HEAR OVER… WHA??? SOMEBODY TURN THESE DAMN CAPS LOCKS OFF! …Ah. Much better.
LEO (July 23 – August 22) – What are you yammering on about? A prediction of your future? Something of relevance? Okaayy… Umm….I sense something changing in you. Somewhere, deep inside your being, you are taking Oxygen molecules and through a series of processes, converting them into Carbon Dioxide molecules which you then are releasing into the atmosphere. Amazing stuff, yo. Keep it up.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22) -Now look here:
The moral? DON’T BE A DOWNER!
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22) – DUDE! You are so METAL! You are the king badass as far as I’m concerned. You eat a balanced breakfast and get 8 hours of sleep a night! Wha- what is that you’re watching? Murder She Wrote? METAAAAAALLLL!!!
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21) – Y’know? Life is actually a wonderful thing. Seriously! The simple fact that we are self-aware creatures and can act upon our own volition is freaking amazing. At the sake of sound sappy, every day is an opportunity – seize it by the throat, and beat it into beautiful submission and ride it around town wearing nothing but ass-less chaps and a ball gag – now that’s living.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21) – Whadda mean my horoscopes are asinine and pointless?? Oh, I suppose you’re too “mature” for my obviously infinite wisdom about the cosmos and marsupials. Well, FINE! I was going to tell you how to take down a territorial male kangaroo with nothing more than your bare hands, but NOOOOO! You’ve got a “life” n’ stuff. Hope you’re not going to Australia anytime soon, jerk wad.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19) – You say you want a recipe for awesomeness? Ok, here: drink a daily smoothie consisting of banana, kiwi, cucumber, avocado, milk and a raw egg. Do a workout routine consisting of 100 pushups, 50 pull-ups, and 183 stomach crunches. Do a crossword twice a week, and most importantly, watch THIS. You will be so freaking dope the DEA gonna be on yo’ ass.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18) – Well, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. I mean, boys will be boys and it ain’t over until it’s over. I mean, it is what it is, and that’s what it is… y’know?
PISCES (February 19 – March 20) – Hey Pisces, be happy with what you got. You’re young, healthy, and…well, unemployed, yeah. And your significant other did just leave you…and your pet did just get run over…and your tractor broke down…and your roof is leaking….damn! It sounds like your life is playing out like a country song. Shop that shit out on Music Row and you’ll be right back on top, baby!
//Owl Photo lovingly swiped from here. Talk about a hoot!