Well, friends, this is it. The last New Year’s Eve ever. Or at least it is according to a bunch of Mayans and John Cusack — who we suspect is a secret Mayan, laying in wait to wail on the super computer that runs the world with a wrench or something (thereby proving the prophecy). Seeing as how we’ll all be vaporized by the many giant monsters that will rise out of the ocean by this time next year, you better make it count. And by make it count, I mean get irresponsibly trashed while wearing a party hat and perhaps some year-themed glasses. Noisemakers are optional.

“But Dixie,” you say, “I don’t know what to do on New Years!” You’re in luck, disembodied voice — we’re here to help. If you haven’t already, consult the epic NYE flowchart in this week’s issue of Nashville Scene. It doesn’t have everything happening in town, but it’s a solid place to start if you’ve got no idea what’s up.

Where to Go

We’re going to go ahead and assume that you don’t have Bassnectar tickets (good job!), don’t want to drop $50 on Guilty Pleasures tickets (ditto!) and aren’t willing to crash your neighbor’s party (wuss!). That leaves you with a few options:

New Year’s End at Zombie Shop – Are you currently in college? Do you like punk bands? Would you be willing to tollerate punk bands and college kids in exchange for all the beer you can drink for only $10? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’ll want to be at Zombie Shop. The Zombie Shop is a moped garage located adjacent to a currently abandoned haunted house off of Lafayette, near Third Man Records. A slew of our local faves are playing, including Diarrhea Planet, Cy & The Way Outsiders, Useless Eaters and more. It’s 18+ and BYOB, if you want something other than champagne and keg beer.

Music City Bash on Broadway – Start out 2012 right by pretending to be a tourist! Strap on that cowboy hat and denim jacket and get yourself downtown, where you can drink overpriced drinks and see the shambling undead corpse of Lynyrd Skynyrd with a bunch of people who will almost assuredly be wearing camouflage trucker hats. There will be fireworks and other sundry tax-payer funded, family-friendly fare. Think of it like being in Times Square on New Years, except with Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Roaring 2012 at The 5 Spot – At last, an opportunity to reuse the Boardwalk Empire costume you cooked up for Halloween! Half-face optional! We don’t have the wardrobe for a swanky 1920s party, but this has pretty much become the go-to place for East Siders looking to party. Which is to say, it’s going to be packed and it’s probably gonna sell out. If The Great Gatsby is something that interests you, perhaps this is where you want to be for the evening. Bonus points if you can use the phrase “old as balls” in every conversation you have that night.

How to Get Home

We have good news and bad news.

The bad news is that the cops aren’t going to give you a ride home this year if you call 862-RIDE. Which is a bummer because that means you can’t half-jokingly demand that they throw the siren on or pepper spray your roommate. Shit’s rough, y’all. They’re instead focusing on a “Sober Bus” program that’s centralized downtown. Which is a bummer because that party downtown kinda looks like the pits. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

You can get on the bus at stops on the corner of 2nd Avenue & Church St and the corner of 5th Avenue & Broadway, which will take you to LP Field where you can get a ride from there.

Alternatively, if you don’t want to bail on your car, you can call AAA at 1-800-AAA-HELP and a tow truck will be along shortly to tow your car and your drunk ass home. Considering that we once waited more than an hour to get our car towed off the side of the interstate when it wasn’t a major holiday, you should probably expect to wait a while.

Or you could take a taxi. Just don’t drive drunk, dummies.

// Photo by Mark Vitullo.

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